If you've been cheated on you
know how much it hurts. It's so painful because
it is the ultimate betrayal of your trust.
When we choose to trust someone we've turned over
something very special. We've allowed ourselves
to become vulnerable and exposed at the deepest
emotional level. If our trust is trampled
on and treated like it was nothing, the pain cuts
to the core of our self esteem. It can make
you start to doubt yourself and whether you're good
enough for anyone. Just as quickly, those
feelings of doubt can turn to rage and jealousy,
which can be equally self destructive. If
your friends were aware of what was going on and
didn't tell you, or worse - the cheating involved
your "best" friend, it can magnify your feelings
of anger, isolation, and lack of trust.
Here are some common reactions
of people who've been cheated on - see if you can
relate.
Shame.
You feel stupid for not realizing
what was going on.
Fear.
You're scared you may never be able to trust
anyone again.
Embarrassment.
You don't want others to know what happened.
Paranoia.
You suspect friends of hiding the truth from
you about your partner's infidelity.
Doubt.
You don't trust yourself or your decisions.
Rage.
You want to hurt the people involved as much as
you've been hurt. This may include wanting
to harm yourself.
Helplessness.
Life doesn't feel worth living
if you can't be together.
Obsessive
thoughts and behavior. Even though
the relationship is over, you want to know all the
details, who the other person was, and why it happened.
You might even want to try to catch them together.
If you are obsessing about why
your partner did this to you, then you know the
questions are endless, but here's the one you really
need to consider: Is there any answer that would
make the cheating okay? Obsessing about the
"why" of what happened will keep you spinning your
wheels. An answer to one question leads to
more whys, and the cycle never ends. You're
left feeling even more powerless because your healing
becomes dependent on hearing a satisfactory explanation.
There never will be an answer that justifies
what happened.
Instead, change the questions
you're asking from, "Why did this happen to me?"
to "What can I do for myself?" Shifting from
"why" to "what" will give you an entirely new focus
and put you back in control. Here are some
examples of some helpful questions:
- What can I do
for myself right now that would help me feel better?
- What is one thing
that I can stop doing right now that
would make me feel better?
- What advice would
the "old me" give to me right now?
- What did I use
to do for myself to feel strong that I can do
again right now?
- What messages
are my instincts telling me that I've been ignoring?
- What suggestions
has a trusted friend made to me that I should
probably do?
Keep your questions focused on
small things that you can control in the present
rather than trying to change the past or worrying
about the future. Remember, the more you
search for answers outside yourself, the more you'll
feel stuck. If you're really feeling down,
consider making an appointment to see a campus counselor.
