The breakup of a college romance is no fun.   If you made it through your actual breakup, you might have thought the hard part was over, but if you still have one another's stuff, it's anything but over.  When breakups are civil and mutually agreed upon, returning personal belongings is usually not an issue.  It's the other kind of endings, the nasty ones, where things can get messy.   In those cases "stuff" becomes a metaphor for "unfinished business."  

    When pain, anger, or unresolved feelings are involved the fight over who has a right to what can turn into a major control issue.   Either you're the one trying to get something back (right or wrong), or you're the one holding on and refusing to cooperate.   Disputes over property usually have less to do with the objects themselves and more to do with the emotions underneath.  

 

     Before you can approach your ex about the return of personal belongings, you first have to understand your own motivations.   Here are six questions to help you sort out whether your reasoning is legit or if you're letting bitter feelings get in the way.  

 

Who owns the item?   If you paid for it you own it, but if you bought it together, then it's owned equally.  In that case, one person needs to pay the other half the current market value or it needs to be sold with the profits split (check classifieds ads in the newspaper or online for going rates).  You may need to find a neutral seller to ensure a fair deal.  Gifts that were given unconditionally belong to the recipient and you can't ask for them back.   Engagement rings are another story.  They are considered conditional because they are given with the intent of marriage.  Regardless of who broke it off, the ring belongs to the one who purchased it.  

 

What value does the item have to me?   If you can't say exactly why it's so important for you to have it, your motives may be questionable.  If it's a necessity to your daily life or has great monetary value, it's understandable. But if it's about revenge or for sentimental reasons to remind you of the past, it's best to let it go and focus on your future.  You'll know your intentions are misguided if you finally get the item and it doesn't make you feel any better.             

 

Can it be easily replaced?   Some stuff is easier to replace than fight over.  If you're arguing over a toothbrush, forget it.   If it's a picture frame given to you by your grandmother or something equally hard to replace, then it's worth the effort.

 

How will I be affected if I don't have it?   Will your life be negatively impacted or just the same with or without it?  If it makes no difference, you don't really need it.        

 

Will it matter six months from now?   What seems important now may not matter in a couple of months.   If you can't see how the item positively affects your future, give up the fight.

Am I scared to give it up?   Are you resisting giving up the item because it will mean your relationship is truly over?   Do you want it because it gives you hope that love is still alive?  Such manipulation only damages the relationship more and prolongs the inevitable.  If an object is your only connection, it's already over.  

 

     If you can honestly say that your motives are justified, then it's time to talk to your ex.   It may take more than one conversation, so be patient and keep your cool.  If your breakup was messy, then the return of belongings is part of the process of ending it.  

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