your parents hovering over your every move?
Is your mom calling your cell phone every five minutes?
Is your dad sending you "urgent" text messages to ask how
you're doing? While college may be an exciting
time for you, remember that for your parents, it
can be a bit scary and sad. That's not to
say that having over involved parents isn't incredibly
annoying! But, it helps to understand that
your parents are going through a big life transition
is the time to renegotiate your relationship, establish
new boundaries, and let them know the best way they
can support you. Here are some tips to help you
gently tell your parents to back off and give you
space to grow.
on convenient times to talk. Your
parents need to hear from you on a regular basis,
otherwise they will hound you to no end. Together,
decide when and how often to talk. Some families
may chat daily, while others will touch base once
a week, or once a month. Whatever the agreement
is, stick to it. If you don't follow through with
your end of the bargain you'll lose credibility
with your parents.
your parents agree on convenient times to talk and
then they break the agreement, it's time for you
to set boundaries. Whether it's your parents
or your roommate, you teach others how to treat
you by what you allow. If your parents call
at inconvenient times and you keep taking the call,
you're teaching them it's okay. Granted, this
needs to be done with the utmost respect, but setting
boundaries is also how you gain respect. Ask
if it's an emergency, and if not, say you will talk
at the agreed upon time, or ask the reasoning behind
breaking your agreement. Make it a conversation,
not a rant. If necessary, work out a new schedule
that everyone can stick to.
your needs. What
kind of support do you need and want from your parents?
Are you looking for advice, or just someone to listen?
Do you want to know what's going on at home?
Are there topics that are off limits?
Whatever it is, you need to make it clear.
If not, your parents may unwittingly offend you
only because they have no idea how to best support
the story. If
something upsetting has happened and you call your
parents to talk about it, finish the story! That
means if you only call them when you are upset and
never update them about how the issue was resolved
they are left thinking you are still falling apart.
That reconfirms for them that you lack maturity
and they will continue to hover.
the case for independence. Your
parents want the best for you and most have a hard
time letting go only out of concern for your well-being.
Make the case for your growing independence
by explaining how important it is that you learn
to be responsible by having the room to fail.
You will make mistakes. Part of maturing is
learning how to recover from failure. Share
with them that you can never learn to take care
of yourself if they are too over protective.
order to earn your independence, you must show that
you're responsible and accountable. Own your
mistakes 100 percent, let you parents know what
you learned and what you will do differently next
time. And no fair asking them to bail you
out! You can't ask for independence only when
it's convenient. You have to weather your
own storms. As you do, be sure to share your
all your parents have done for you goes a long way
to easing the transition in your relationship.
Let them know how much you appreciate their sacrifices,
concerns, and trust in you. Ask questions
and offer encouragement for new things they are
doing now that you're not there, especially if they
are now empty nesters.
College Survival Tips